Sunday, April 30, 2006

Another Sunday Afternoon Blog

I just got back from a long walk and noticed a couple of things. Why do electronically-challenged people own gadgets? I walked past a yellow school bus, parked on a busy downtown street. A woman was knocking on the door of the empty bus, trying to get the driver's attention. When he opened the door, she said "The play is over and we tried to call you but you don't have your cell phone turned on!" Don't you think that if you were a hired bus driver and you had a cell phone, you might actually turn the damn thing on so your client can reach you??? BTW, the same stupid bus driver drove the bus around the corner and parked right in front of the theatre, in the right hand lane, blocking all traffic behind him. Probably explains why he is driving a bus for a living ...

Another incident occurred five minutes after this. As I made my way past the illegally parked bus and started walking through the park, a car alarm went off. The owner of the vehicle was trying to turn it off, from over thirty feet away, by holding the alarm fob up over his head and pointing it towards the car. Then he ran towards the car, unlocked it and stood around talking to his passengers, no doubt asking them, "Does anyone know how to turn off a car alarm?". Finally, he sat down in the driver's seat and turned off the annoying noise. This is obviously someone who would be better off taking a bus to the theatre.

I divulged in my last blog the fact that I have been involved in the illicit practice of online dating. I find it quite entertaining and, in the past, have met some interesting guys. One of the websites has forums -- you know, places where people ask questions about dating etiquette: do women really like bald men, do men like bigger sized women or "Where do guys go to meet older women?? (over 45)". Here are some of the wiseass answers made by older men. "Mandrake" (who, at age 48, looks older than my DAD!) said, "Try the funeral parlor or the cemetary!! Or you could try the Bingo Halls, the library, or the optometrist!". Then there was this gem by Ron (age 59) "My theory is all the 45+ gals are home and eating bon bons and reading romance novels and making sure their B.O.Bs are in the recharger." (FYI: B.O.B. = Battery Operated Boyfriends). This last one from "zeppelin" (age 55) was enlightening: "How about a retirement home(just kidding)."

Can you believe these guys? No wonder they're single ... grrr!!! They act like a woman over 45 just sitting around, waiting to die!!! So I added my advice on the subject and suggested we might be found "At the theatre, attending yoga class, dining in upscale restaurants, taking a language course, shopping downtown, lunching in bistros, going to the spa, visiting museums, working out at the gym, laughing in martini bars, doing charity work, sunning at vacation resorts, etc. etc. etc. We'll be there, looking fabulous and hanging out with our equally attractive and unattached girlfriends, looking for you!"

And then another WOMAN (ie. someone of the same sex as the Goddesses but apparently not as evolved) wrote, "I think your best bet is a restaurant...look for women together with no man". Can you imagine a single guy, walking up to a table full of women (no doubt talking about men and/or sex) and interrupting them? He would have to be (1) crazy (2) drunk (3) Superman (ie. balls of steel). We would eat him ALIVE!!! So I asked one of my "admirers" what he would do. He said he would send over flowers (he is in the wholesale flower business). "Not bad" I thought but suggested buying a round of drinks or sending CHOCOLATE might be better.

Men have no clue. They totally underestimate the power of CHOCOLATE. We would do just about anything for CHOCOLATE. The fact that I am typing CHOCOLATE in upper case letters should give some idea of its importance to us. However, during dinner last night, we decided that white chocolate does not carry the same weight as milk or dark CHOCOLATE. It is just not as effective and doesn't even smell the same. Something is lost when you take away the rich, "brown-ness" of real CHOCOLATE.

I used to date an Air Canada pilot and he used to bring me CHOCOLATE from all over the world. The only problem is he used to hold it over his head and expect me to jump all over him like an excited puppy. There are some things even a Goddess won't do for CHOCOLATE. Unfortunately, he also had an uncanny likeness to Mr. Bean so I dumped him and my Mom is still not over it.

Friday, April 28, 2006

I Got The Job!

Just wanted to let you all know that I got the job I was hoping for and I start on Monday May 1st, as predicted. In truth, I only had two interviews. Contrary to what the headhunters told me, the market is kind of sluggish right now for people in my field of expertise (litigation). The job I got was a result of my first interview last Thursday so it only took a week! I am very excited to be going back to work full-time and earning a healthy paycheque. Not sure what will happen at siesta time ... I might have to sleep when I get home after work. I'm sure I'll be so tired the first week. *wink*

Did I mention that they are building a new condo just north of my existing condo? Right now they are in the process of clearing the land and digging a huge hole to support a 32 storey tower. The drilling and crushing of large cement blocks starts around 7AM so no sleeping in for this Goddess! The builidng was shaking the other day but the earth wasn't moving for me. LOL Actually, it's good for me to get back into an "early rise" schedule -- I will need to do so for work and also if I ever plan to get back to my neighbourhood gym.

I've been shopping a lot and finding some amazing deals. A review of my wardrobe indicated a lack of casual business attire necessary for working in an office. I had one pair of black trousers, no closed toes shoes and about four tops. Not even enough to get me through one week! So I've been stocking up on spring clothes. I have a ton of summer clothes and sandals but it won't be hot enough to wear them for another month or more. The weather is coolish (15C) but sunny. I've been wearing my leather jacket and boots! And straightening my hair ...

Once I get the job thing underway, I have to seriously start thinking about my social life and that means (*gasp*) dating. *smile* I've been talking to a few guys for many, many months from a couple of online dating websites. Our "relationships" have been totally over the internet and phone. Should be interesting to finally put faces to the names of these disembodied men. And now that spring is in the air here, I am definitely ready for a little extra-curricular activity with the opposite sex. A little dining, a little dancing, maybe drinks on a patio ... who knows? *wink*

Monday, April 24, 2006

I'm So Happy ...

Happiness is not something you have, it's something you feel. You can experience it, regardless of what is (or isn't) in your possession. Likewise, you can suffer from the lack of it, regardless of how rich you may be. We forget this. We treat joy as if it were a commodity rather than an emotion, and then we wonder why it keeps eluding us. There is nothing that you now, need to attain. You already have all you require in order to feel good about yourself, your life, your situation - and your future.

By the way, these are words to live by, aren't they?

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Feeling At Home

Well it's been over a week since I got home and I am still enjoying myself. Even the weather hasn't dampened my spirits although it has been raining since Friday evening. It's been a real change for me -- from sun, sun, sun to some sun, wind, rain, clouds, fog and cool temps. No snow (yet) thankfully so I'm all smiles, even through the pouring rain. I'm having problems with my wireless connection and have had to scrap my VOIP phone for a cellular but it's all good. I still don't have a job but I had one interview last Thursday and another one tomorrow. I'm absolutely certain that I will be back to working full-time on Monday, May 1st. I said I would do it and I will. Positive thinking is a powerful thing. It got me this far!!!

I've noticed a couple of things since I got home. People are talking about the price of gas. Sometimes I think that's ALL they talk about. Oh, and the price of parking. And the lack of parking spots. You will no doubt notice the correlation between these topics and automobiles. I don't have one so I don't care. I've been monetarily compensating everyone who's helped me with a vehicle. I feel it is only fair since they are making my life easier but enough already with the pissing and moaning. Take a bus or, better yet, walk somewhere!

I've been walking all over downtown Toronto since I got back. Yesterday I walked to King & Spadina and then back again, in the rain. What fun! You know what else is fun? Helping people with directions. A guy asked me yesterday if I knew where Princess Street was. I thought I knew but it took me a few minutes to remember that it is two blocks from my condo. I can tell people how to get to a certain place but I can't remember any of the street names. Same thing happens when I go to my hometown. I sound like a Mexican when giving directions: "Turn right where the Chinese Food restaurant used to be!" LOL

I've eaten at all my favourite fast food restaurants and enjoyed Tim Horton's coffee many times already. I still haven't gone to a movie or a gay bar but I have noticed that my "gaydar" is working really well. All those years in Vallarta have finally paid off! Hehe ... I've rearranged the furniture in my room three times now and believe it is in its final configuration. I was trying to improve my wireless signal by getting closer to the window but I actually think I need to move the router out of the back room. As it is, I'm sitting in the dark in the living room with my notebook on my lap. Doesn't that make it a lapbook Darryl? *wink*

I haven't really had a chance to miss Vallarta yet. I've talked to a few of my friends via email, MSN Messenger, Skype and telephone. Sounds like things are really slowing down there while they are starting to pick up here. Once the warm weather hits (and we all know it will strike the week I start working), all of the patios will be open and the fashion disasters will come out in the open. Up until now, they've been hidden under long coats. I can't wait to buy a digital camera so that I can capture it for your viewing enjoyment. Although, you can't get more tacky than a silver plastic tiara and a dark turquoise boa ... haha!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Second Post

Sandi and I returned to Toronto with my bed and came straight to the condo to set it up. Then I had to take the bus back to Kitchener again. I know, it’s a lot of travelling but I didn’t mind because I was spending the next day with my Mom. She had been out of town visiting my brother in the U.S. for Easter so this was the first time I had seen her since my return. She picked me up at noon and we immediately went to the nursing home to see my grandmother, who is 90 this coming December. She seemed to very lucid so we took her downstairs and sat in the lobby, visiting with some of the other residents. It was only as I was leaving that she mentioned she hadn’t seen me since I was a little girl (I saw her when I was home this summer). I promised to go back Mother’s Day weekend.

After we left Grandma, we started shopping -- I bought two pairs of Levi’s jeans for $22 each and a pair of Saucony running shoes for $40. I was surprised at the price of these items (very cheap). Then we hit my favourite store, Winners. It is kind of like TJ Max in the U.S. I realized that I need to buy a few things to wear to work so I picked up a pair of trousers and a couple of tops. I also bought a pair of shoes but I’m not sure they are the right size. I can always take them back. Actually I plan to hit the new Winners store downtown tomorrow! I’ve heard it has three floors so I’m sure to be there for hours. LOL Exhausted from watching me spend my money, my Mom suggested dinner out (her treat) and I ordered a Corona beer. I told her it tasted like the beach because it reminded me of sitting at my favourite beach bar in Puerto Vallarta.

When I got home, my Dad decided he wanted to load up the car with the stuff that we were transporting to Toronto the next morning. So there we were, out in the middle of the driveway, trying to JAM everything into his Volvo station wagon. I kept adding more things to the list (coats, suits, laundry basket, fan, etc.) and he kept telling me he had more room. We agreed to finish in the morning and I went to sleep. We had to be up early to meet with my accountant at 9AM. Rick is your stereotypical accountant. I greeted him in the usual Mexican way: handshake and a kiss on the cheek. He was so surprised! He didn’t know what to do so he blushed. It took him approximately 3 minutes to do my 2005 income tax return and then I shook his hand and kissed him again on the cheek. I think I made his day. LOL

Dad and I got stuck in a monster traffic JAM (there’s that word again!) on the 401. A large semi with a huge trailer took a ramp too fast and tipped over. What a mess! Our side of the highway was slowing down to take a look and the other side was backed up because of the police and emergency vehicles. We were meeting Sandi at the condo at 11AM and we actually arrived 15 minutes early, in spite of the delay. We unloaded the car and loaded up the service elevator. Sandi moved most of the stuff down the hall herself because I was busy trying to figure out my roommate’s internet connection. She was on the phone with the provider when I walked in the door and, since she knows NOTHING about computers, she passed the phone to me. As you know, I have pirated “donna’s” wireless signal because the one in this unit has been encrypted. * sigh *

Sandi immediately set to work, cleaning the windows and the curtains. I like my bedroom light so she took down the heavy black out drapes and left the sheers up for privacy. I put away all my clothes and shoes and suitcases. We both ran out of steam at the same time so I decided to take us out for lunch. Sandi offered to take me to buy groceries so we did all that and came home again. I was exhausted by this time and kicked her out so I could do some laundry and organize my bathroom. I had three meetings on Thursday regarding my employment prospects so I needed to get some rest.


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

First Post

I'm taking a big chance trying to blog tonight. I'm in my new accomodations with a really shaky wireless connection. Apparently there is internet here but I am stealing the signal from "donna" wherever she is because our internet isn't working. Anyway, I'm sure everything will be sorted out when we receive the new modem in five days. Until then, "donna" is allowing me to bring you this, my first post on the Metro Goddess Blog. All the posts preceding this one have been copy jobs for your entertainment only and not really written by me. Oh, except for G.O.D.D.E.S.S. That was definitely written by me. Did you like the accompanying photo? Too funny!!!

*** I'm getting nervous now so I'm going to switch to WordPad to type this. ***

So I’m here and I’m loving it! I’ve been very busy since I got here. My Dad met me at the airport so after we said goodbye to the other Goddesses and found the car in the airport’s HUGE parking lot, we were on our way home. As you may recall, I wasn’t sleeping too well before I left Mexico so after a quick dinner out and a bit of unpacking, I was anxious to hit the sack. I slept like a dead person and woke up feeling refreshed and excited to start my first full day in Canada. We headed back to Toronto so that I could check out a place to live and look at a few condos for sale in my neighbourhood. In case you missed it, I live HERE which is just about the hottest 'hood in Toronto right now. I was so lucky to have the foresight to buy here over six and a half years ago when there was virtually nothing here. Now it is a booming arts community, hosting special events, ecclectic art galleries, boutiques, furniture stores and restaurants.

I am actually living in my own condo building, sharing a two bedroom, two bathroom condo with one of the other owners who I’ve known for six years. I have my own partially furnished room with private bath. I had to supply a bed which was fine with me. I love my bed! I have a huge closet, two dressers, a night table, computer table and loveseat. It took some creative arranging to get my queensize bed in here but since I am used to living in small spaces, I am really quite comfortable. The unit has central air, washer & dryer, dishwasher, microwave, etc. The owner will be travelling to the west coast at the beginning of May for an undetermined length of time so I will have the place to myself for up to two months. She is happy to have someone she knows staying in her place while she is away so the arrangement suits us both perfectly.

After Saturday afternoon downtown Toronto, my Dad wanted to drive up to Downsview Airport to the Toronto Aerospace Museum to deliver a model. I think I mentioned somewhere that airplanes are my father’s passion. Check out his website HERE. He sells a few things on consignment at the museum but wanted to donate a model to help them raise money for the various work being done by The Aerospace Heritage Foundation of Canada. I was introduced all around and taken on a tour of the facility where they are busy restoring Canadian-made heritage aircraft. This is such an important part of Canadian history.

We eventually returned home so that I could have dinner with one of my oldest and dearest grade school girlfriends. We've known each other since Grade 4 and it was a pleasure spending the evening with her. I experienced my first "reverse" culture shock when I called a taxi to take me back to my Dad's. I had $15CDN in cash and thought that would more than cover the fare so when he told me it would be more like $20-$25, I nearly died! Between us, my girlfriend and I didn't have that much so she ended up driving me home. We laughed all the way about our inability to scrape together $20 to pay the cabbie. He thought we were crazy when I told him “thanks but no thanks”.

On Easter Sunday, I took a bus to Toronto and then transferred to the northbound subway to meet another girlfriend for a trip up to Barrie. There, we were meeting a third girlfriend and her family for Easter dinner. We all met each other in 1984 during basic training when we were in the Canadian military. My married girlfriend and her husband are still in the military with three children and I haven’t seen them since last summer. My godson is now as tall as me and his two younger siblings are growing as fast as grass after a summer rain. We ate, we drank, we laughed and then we ate some more. I gave the kids their woven bracelets from Cheap Charlie’s in Bucerias and was gratified to learn that I am still their coolest aunt. What a relief! Now they are all on MSN Messenger so I am looking forward to those conversations and their possible visits into the big city to see Tia Juliana.


Thursday, April 13, 2006



Goddesses are actually real women. Wacky, middle-aged women but real people nonetheless.


Meeting new people is our specialty! We are especially attractive to women over 40 who want to know how to join in the fun.


Everyone wants to know who we are and what we're all about. We only use our powers for good, but mostly to flirt with waiters.


Nothing actually deters us from doing anything for fun. The only thing that actually scares us is tacky costume jewellery and white pants after Labour Day.


There's no doubt about it -- we ARE fabulous. In our dimestore tiaras, flashy feather boas and other fashion accessories, we are the ones you need to watch.


Sexiness comes from within and we have more sex appeal than most women you know. It's all in the attitude and the way we wear our tiaras!


We don't take ourselves too seriously but apparently some other people do. That's OK. We understand. It's kind of difficult to look the other way when you're in the presence of a Goddess.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I'm A Fierce Femme ... What Are You?

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren't afraid to bring it out when the time is right.
But you also know when to hang back and keep your "crazy chick" persona in check.
In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it...
You may look mild mannered, but it's all an act!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My Mom Sent Me This!

Wax is NOT Your Friend!

CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh until you stop breathing at some points.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy , painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now ... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax, "yeah ...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself ... RRRRIIIPPP!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out ... must stay conscious ... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe ... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Woo-hoo??? Sealed shut!!! Butt??? Sealed shut!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH, right!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace ... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS! It works!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair ... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE ... ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color. Now that's funny ... NOT!